I was in a "severe" depression, coupled with anxiety, for about five years. Most days, I stayed in bed, wearing a t-shirt and shorts, rarely donning "clothes for the outside world" for days on end. Sometimes the television was on as a distraction, but often, it was silent. I slept 14 hours or more per day, most days. I ordered in from Amazon Fresh (groceries), and ordered other necessities online, to avoid going out. I only ventured out when absolutely unavoidable, such as picking up prescriptions, going to doctor's appointments, and the occasional trip to visit friends (several of whom are now not speaking to me anymore). I had zero energy, interest, and desire. It was excruciating for me to do many things that most humans (including not-depressed-me) do without a thought. Every time I was falling asleep, my last thought was, "I hope I don't wake up."
During this time, I was not secretive about being depressed and feeling anxious. I didn't run around yelling it from the mountain top, but I was honest when asked. I feel certain that all of my close friends knew I was struggling.
Depression offers me very few positives. But, one thing it did allow me to do was sit with myself and my thoughts. I applied multiple and copious strategies over the years to try to quell the depressive episode. If there's a treatment option for depression and anxiety, I probably tried it (no ECT - I refuse to undergo that one).
I use a fire analogy to illustrate that, during the severe depression, my fire was out. It was nothing more than wet, soupy ashes. When a spark spontaneously appeared, I saw and felt it, and I acted to carefully nurture it into a small fire. I tended it, slowly fueled it (with the knowledge I gained during my lifetime, including nearly 20 years of multiple therapies and treatments), and brought it to the level that is my level of fire that is representative of who I am as a human being, and where I am in life.
I have learned over the past several years and months that not everyone, past and current, in my life, is comfortable with me as my full on authentic self. The human who has the same core values and beliefs as I've always had. The same human I've always been, but with varying levels of outward expression based on my situations and circumstances in life. That's how most humans ebb and flow during their lifetime.
I have learned, healed, and grown over the years. I can now apply many strategies and lessons that I've cumulatively gained over time via therapy, reading, listening, and writing. I've done a great deal of soul searching and self-evaluation. I am, as most humans are, the product of my life experiences. My core values and inherent qualities have remained, but as I have healed, learned, and grown, my outward self has varied over the years.
Clearly, I am not for everyone. Humans around me have undergone their own changes as life has shaped them. We obviously don't all meet each other's needs at every given time. If those needs are not in sync for long stretches of time, we tend to grow apart, communicate less, and eventually, we sometimes lose touch altogether. This is all part of life, and it's a circumstance that most humans encounter over the span of their lives. Every now and then, humans who grow apart come back together down the road and re-connect. It all depends on life circumstances and timing.
All of this to say, I have struggled, overcome many challenges, survived serious situations, and worked very, very hard to rebuild my fire. I one hundred percent refuse to let my fire go out again. I will die to protect it. Other humans will come and go in my life. Some will play a small role, others will be more impactful and influential. Some will be positive parts of my experience, some negative. I will hold fast to my determination to protect the fire.
I will lose friends, and gain some along the way. Life circumstances will occur. It is cliche, but fire represents my life, and I must keep the fire going at all cost. I will do it my way. I will continue to learn and grow, and I will fuel my fire with what I learn.
I am no better than anyone else, but I am who I am, and that is not compatible with every other human's needs and desires. That's okay - we are beings who lean in to other humans who bring us comfort, joy, and wholeness. That, too, is okay. We all desire joy, peace, and love, and we seek those things out in our own ways - we bring other humans along who help us fulfill those needs, and that is, okay.
“I'm not here to be small, to compare, to judge (myself or you), to fit in or to be perfect. I'm here to grow, to learn, to love, to be human.” ― Sue Fitzmaurice
“We grow apart because we grow in different stages and not all of our stages align.” ― Dominic Riccitello
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